Ladies By Design

Be Still

Oh, day of rest, 

How beautiful, how fair!

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 

Today I long for green- cucumbers and spinach leaves to feed the body, and  slender blades of grass to feed my soul. Oh, to lay in a clover green meadow and breathe in the breeze, the sky, the voice quietly whispering my name. 

What is stopping me? The urge is strong, yet I work, still. I push through to gain a prize whose name I do not know. The whisper beckons me out into mid- morning. Persistently. I stop working and take off shoes and socks, stepping onto  the grassy slope behind our home. 

The ground is cool, as I knew it would be; verdant, and pliable, warming to my touch. I lean back, relaxing, supported by soft spikes. I feel the breeze and hear a gentle song lilt from the shadow of wings. Pages flap and I wonder:  Why is it so hard to be still?

I stay, cloaked in green, while my eyes adjust to the light. In the distance, cars hum, people rushing through busy lives- and still I wonder. When did I forget to let in that which feeds my soul? 

I've been separated from the peace of this place by the whirl of life. While trying to catch my breath, I forgot what it is to breathe deep. 

Sleepless nights and sick kids may deplete the body, but it is this busy-ness that steals true rest. Now, the habit of getting out into creation takes determination and self discipline. So I sit, and I breathe, and I rest.

 A lady bug glides across wildflowers that sprung up in my absence. Clouds silently swirl across a pure blue expanse. They know how to be silent, to keep pace with time peacefully, without hurry. 

When I've been rubbed raw by life's sanding, I realize I am still learning to rest in the One who sustains and holds, comforting me through rough patches. It is equally important to draw apart when days are filled with activity and the good work of life. To make a habit of being filled with living water before I am run dry with thirst.

I now recognize soul-thirst, and so I stay, drinking in the wildness that has swept down this hill. Luxuriating in birdsong and inviting the breeze to dance on my cheeks, twirling my hair, drawing me into radiant goodness. Dandelions sway, fuzzy tops nodding in agreement to be silent before the Creative One.  I drink deep of  beauty and peace until I am satiated with healing wind and soothing grasses.

Grace floods my soul, simply because I obeyed that still quiet voice that beckoned me to the place of wellness.  I am refreshed, washed in gratitude. In awe of the One who crafted greens and blues and softness and joy which restores my soul. This is healing in it's simplest form.

 

 

The Goal Set Before Us

 When life presses down on me until I feel my heart buckle, I've learned to get outside and walk. Behind our neighborhood is an undeveloped area, and I love to position myself where I have a clear view of the trees and the hills beyond. I walk quickly, reciting Psalm 121:

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

Sometimes I speak the refrain over and over, until I can truly take a deep, lingering breath.

The many responsibilities I carry and the frailties of my gaping humanness can convince me to see life as a mountain I must climb, with towering obstacles to overcome along the way. The challenges are daunting, discouraging, and heartbreaking. And my mindset has been this: once I've reached the top, I will have figured out how to "get it right". But the goal is NOT reaching the top of the mountain- for that will happen when I see Jesus face to face. If I re-frame my thinking to embrace climbing the mountain in moment by moment closeness with God- taking the journey in and through him, then I will understand the true purpose of the mountain I call life; to know Him, to let Him draw me deeper still. Part of the journey is learning when to walk with him, and when to let him carry me, for there are steep inclines which this mortal frame was never meant to struggle upon. The key is to let Him do the work, for there are some places that are for His hands and feet only. Aloneness is a choice, and when I choose instead to rest in him completely, rather than holding him at arm's length-- it's in those times when I experience the gift of his presence, his arms gathering me up, sustaining me, giving me rest, healing the wounds in my heart, preparing me for the continuation of the journey. The mountain top is not the goal. Rather, I fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith- whose joy is day to day relationship with me. He is the goal, his presence the greatest summit of all.   

A Time for Everything

I wake to the morning light, feeling as if I am under a weighted cloud. I’ve walked this road long enough to know that what haunts me is not clinical depression. No, there are other diagnoses that name the heaviness in my heart, and I realize that this is very much a place of grieving. My son is no longer growing, and I am afraid. Diabetes is a complicating factor; the treatment is as difficult as the condition. The load I bear increases, and PTSD often keeps my husband huddled in a place I cannot reach. I am lonely, weary of this life of consistent medical deluge. I want to stay in bed, snuggled under soft sheets, blanketed by fear and grief. I push through. Past anger to the sadness. Sometimes life is very, very hard. This is where I am, a place where medical terms crash into real life. I want to learn to live thanksgiving in the midst of the storm.

New life is manifested through conscious commitments to create a new pattern. My journey will involve healthy grieving paired with the giving of thanks. I tug against the process. I do not like how I feel while doing the work. I dread fleshing out what our culture often sees as weakness. Yet, there's another tugging at my heart and I know the truth. I will not heal if I do not grieve.

I remember a story I've known since childhood, from the book of John. Jesus escapes arrest only to have word come, "The one you love so very much is sick." I know this story well. "...oddly he stays where he is for two more days." (MSG) The God-man chooses to stay, so belief within those who follow him can grow. Four days past death Jesus arrives in Bethany. He knows his mission; to raise the dead. Yet he sees the flow of grief, and steps in. Anger and sadness wash over him, marks of the cycle. The Son of Man chose to grieve. Why was there a need to weep when He knew that God had given him authority to raise the dead? To set the standard for healthy grieving.

Our culture often sees strength as resisting tears, yet Jesus' power was shown through them. He continued to allow the cycle of grief as he approached the tomb, instructing, "Roll away the stone." Sisters protested the stench, but Jesus stood firm. "Didn't I tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?" The stone was removed, and standing before the tomb, Jesus gave thanks. "Father I'm grateful that you have listened to me. I know you always do listen." Even in death and loss Jesus found gratitude. An then, in the wake of decay, Jesus called forth new life. On a word and a prayer and a grateful heart, a miracle was borne. 

 Ecclesiastes 3:1 tells us, "For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven." New life comes as I learn to balance grief with gratitude. There is a time to stand at the tomb and work through the loss, and there is a time to be grateful for what been given. Healing and gratitude are entwined with the rememberance that we are never alone. There is One who listens, and One who knows, for He chose to walk through grief to new life-- and more than once. Remember, the tomb is empty!!

~Bekah

 

 

I Can See Clearly Now

"I can see clearly now the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in my way, Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind, Its gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day."

Almost two months ago, I had a cornea transplant.  Am I able to see clearly now?  No, in fact things are very, very obscure and it is quite difficult to see.  In fact, very frustrating at times.  Then why would I entitle this "I Can See Clearly Now?"

I have a disease called Fuchs Dystrophy.  I was diagnosed about fifteen years ago and was told that I would be a candidate for a cornea transplant.  Not me!  I am quite certain you have never heard of the disease much less met another person who has it  I didn't until just a few minutes before I was wheeled away to surgery.  God is a pretty cool fellow.  I was extremely nervous.  I have had several surgeries and I have never felt as anxious as I did going into this one.  I told my brother they could do a hysterectomy or a gallbladderectomy but when my eyes/sight is involved, that is a totally a scary thing.

As different hospital personnel began to come into my room in preparation for my surgery, a lovely lady and her husband walked into the room and took their place in the opposite bed.  When she overheard a conversation about my surgery, she questioned who my doctor was and what I was having done.  Would you believe she had the same doctor and had had the same surgery I was having?  I turned to my husband and was so thankful to God that I had been given the encouragement and reassurance I needed to help me through this time in my life. Isn't that just like God?

I would like to give you a little education regarding Fuchs Dystrophy.  I am told it is hereditary.  There is blood supply to the cornea and after one has cried or when your eyes have been shut i.e. asleep, the fluid builds up behind the cornea.  The cells within the cornea act as little pumps, thus pumping the fluid from the cornea.  Well, my little pumps have and are deteriorating.  Many times when I am trying to see, just imagine yourself looking through a plastic bag.  That will give you an idea how cloudy my vision is.  Anything but clear.

I have lived in total denial that I would ever have to have surgery.  I was believing and praying for God to give me a new cornea.  We always expect things to be done our way, but rarely does this happen.  I was refusing to admit how bad my sight was.  Many times, especially in the morning, I would be driving and I realized I shouldn't be.  I had a difficult time telling the color of the traffic light.  That is pretty scary, wouldn't you say?

How many times in my life have I looked through blinded eyes?  I have looked through the eyes of religion, denomination and what others have said.  I wonder just how distorted my vision really is.  I have had and still do have many questions , but have I had them because I refused to go to the Source for my answers?  I have relied on others and now I wonder if my spiritual vision is blurred.  There is a song we sing that says, "I want to see what you see, I want to hear what you hear."  How do I do this?  I must go to His word, the Source in order to see what He says in order for me to see clearly.

In the natural, I had to go to the source, a medical miracle, in order to see clearly.  Can I see clear now two months post surgery?  Better than before.  In fact, I am writing this article without the use of my glasses and I am reading a book without glasses.  Am I excited?  You bet I am.  I asked the doctor recently at a followup appointment, "why didn't you tell me two years ago how good it would be?"  He just turned and smiled at me.  I can just imagine my heavenly father turning and giving me a smile when I go to him with blurred vision as if to say "I told you how wonderful it would be." 

 

Delight - Part 2

 "I neeeeeeeed chocolate!"  Anyone reading my blog from yesterday can understand why, by 5:30 pm, I was craving chocolate like a mad woman. It had been a day... and OH what I day. I wanted something to melt away my stress, and I thought something chocolatey and delicious would do the trick. I realized that the craving was motivated by stress, yet I could not turn away from the intensity of the urge to stuff my face.

Yesterday I shared that I knew my longing could only be filled with God himself, but what I did not share was the journey to this realization. So here is my confession... my process to the "Aha" moment.

After my boys finished their homework I sent them outside to play with an enormous sigh of relief. Finally I could rest for a moment. I collapsed on the couch, and before I could be prompted by the usual urge to turn on the TV, the crescendo of the chocolate craving reached its pinnacle. Compelled to the closet by an overpowering force, I began to dig through my hiding places for the "secret stash." Despite a vague memory of doing away with the stash before my fast, since Valentine's day was recent history, I hoped, even begged unseen chocolatiers world wide to have left a few goodies in a secret place for me. I rummaged and rearranged, and got out the flashlight to search for a single remaining piece of cocoa bliss. I pulled out the Christmas boxes, then emptied the valentine envelopes, in hopes of finding just one solitary morsel to quell the urge that had overtaken me.

My husband came home to a floor littered with boxes and baggies of all shapes and sizes. "What are you doing?" He asked, eyeing the jumbled hodgepodge of containers strewn here and there. I looked up sheepishly, realizing that the clutter was such that he could not even attempt cross the room, for fear of stepping on a gift sack or falling over a long empty cookie tin. My search had been in vain, and I was left with nothing but mayhem. Which is pretty compelling evidence that something has gone awry for a neat-nik like me. My husband left the room to find a more available place to unwind, and I stopped and surveyed the damage.

"Oh...", I said, almost out loud, as the realization hit me. OH!! I began to clean up the mess as quickly as I could, praying all the while, "Dear Jesus, help me!" I was tired, and the wind had just gone out of my sail. The search for confectionary satisfaction was over, and I felt... exposed.

What is it about stress that makes me want to eat chocolate? Is it something in the cocoa powder? (I am sure my friend the nutritionist has the answer to this question.) Is it the smooth silky texture that makes me feel that all the kinks of my life will somehow be smoothed out by Hershey himself? He was after all, a humanitarian and philanthropist (Did he perhaps, moonlight as a masseuse?).

When the light dawned afer the madness, I realized that, in moments of compulsion, if I will take a moment to look beyond the surface and peer deeper into my soul, what I find is a longing for peace and comfort that can only be filled by the Holy One who longs to draw me near. As His child I have the privilege to NOT resort to fleeting comforts but to turn instead to the One who created all I am (and knows my every need). In fact, He created me with those needs so I would long to be drawn into fellowship with Him. However at times I misinterpret those longings as a need for something else. We were created for intimacy with God—this is our original purpose—and the only way to find real and lasting comfort and hope is in relationship with Him. Chocolate is a poor substitute for the Lord God.

He is the Comforter, who wipes away my every tear, and soothes away my every stress (but only as I surrender them each to Him). When my plate is TOO FULL, the key to finding stress relief is to go to Him in prayer and pour it all out to Him. And then I will surely be filled. And not with cocoa beans, sugar, and a stunning fat content, but rather, something much more fulfilling, something that lasts in a form other than cellulite. What's that saying?? "A moment on the lips, forever on the hips....Let' s choose to seek comfort from His hands, not from man made delicacy. Let us find our comfort, our delight, in Him. For He is the ONLY One who truly satisfies. He is Jehovah-shalom, the Lord our Peace. Shalom is translated 170 times in the Bible and it means: whole, finished, fulfilled, perfected. I truly do not need that little chunk of cocoa bliss. I need Jehovah Shalom, the Lord my Peace.

Isaiah 55:2 says, "Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."

In Him I will find not just comfort and peace of mind, but abundance. Abundance!! Hershey has his limits of what he can provide. The God who created all there is, and all I am, is limitless. He is the only One who will bring lasting delight. Let's pass on the comfort food, and draw near to Him. For only then will we find what we are truly looking for.

 

 

Delight Part - 1

My morning began with the normal rush to get the boys ready for school while sharing counter space with the hubby who is also hurrying to get out the door. Rush and hurry can make for strained conversation and opportunities for self-control. Many opportunities for self control. Of course, just to add a bit of extra stress, Thursday is the morning Blaine has to be at school half an hour early. 
 
The school nurse is out, so I made extra sure that all the diabetes supplies were laid out where the other staff members could easily find them, until I could pop back up to the school to take care of the lunchtime necessaries. Bg Check, carb count, and Bolus (or giving insulin through the pump for everything Tyler eats). "If you feed your mouth, tell your pump," as we often say. None of this is terribly difficult, just the facts of life we must plan around.

I've been running on about a half tank the past few weeks, trying to be sure that I'm taking some breaks weekly to relax, but never quite feeling refreshed. So I planned to take a little me time today. And then, the bottom dropped out. I was headed home to eat breakfast, and, I hoped, to take a quick walk before picking up groceries and diabetes supplies. I planned to spend a couple hours logging time at work. I had envisioned enjoying a peaceful day at home with no noisy boys running to and fro while I got my work done. Maybe even grab the ever elusive power nap.

And then... my cell phone was suddenly not working... unless plugged into the wall. Oh, dear. There goes "errand time." I have to have my cell phone in case the school nurse calls. The school staff must be able to communicate with me AT ALL TIMES. My son has a medical disorder, after all. So the trouble-shooting began.
 
You probably can guess the next part of the story. The 1-800 number told me I had to go to the local store. The local store told me I had to go to a different store (forty-five minutes away). I took care of Tyler's lunch routine, and explained to the school staff that I would be out of pocket for a little bit. "Call his dad if there is an emergency- but Tyler OUGHT to be fine, since he just had lunch". Hoping all would be fine, I made the trek across town to the special warehouse store. After quite a wait, they could not help me. "You have to call the 1-800 number." I thought, "You're kidding, right?" (The guy behind me was equally perturbed at getting the same answer. I won't tell you what he said.)

After driving forty-five minutes home —since the cell phone mostly worked, I contemplated simply waiting until tomorrow to deal with the rest- until I remembered that tomorrow Blaine has Occupational Therapy, and the appointment combined with drive time takes up most of the day. So I decided I had better push on and resolve the issue TODAY. Sigh. More phone calls, to the store near me again (who apologized for sending me on a wild goose chase, but really couldn't do anything at all for me.) The manager said, "All I can do is offer you an apology." I called the 1-800 number again, who gave me yet another 1-800 number to call. Just listing it all makes me tired. VERY tired.

So, six phone calls, a couple hours of driving all over the Dallas area, two supervisors, five sales people, and a $50 deductible later... The outcome is that insurance is going to cover a replacement phone. Partly, anyways. Which I think might be over-nighted to me, for a fee on my next bill, of course. UGH.
Suddenly it was homework time which is becoming synonymous with weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. I forced my eleven year old to study for his science test tomorrow. I tested my seven year old on his spelling words (he whined out the spelling of each word... which would have been comical if I had not been so drained.) I made them both read for twenty minutes, and PRAISE THE LORD, there was no math homework tonight.

So it has been a day. Oh, what a day! I am tired, stressed, and so very tempted to run to the nearest grocery store and buy a turtle pie and stuff my face with about half of it. I could call it "pie therapy." 

When I am stressed, angry, hurt, disgusted (and I have run the gamut of each emotion today), it is easy to fill the void that grows with something that brings momentary gratification. We don't call them "comfort foods" for nothing. What I want is something to alleviate the stress, the pain, the disappointment.Perhaps in my craving for comfort, my foggy brain thinks chocolate is the answer to unwinding, but what I know to be true is that the longing for chocolate is really just a shadow of my longing for something else. Some One else.

 

New Beginnings - Part 2

I am beginning to come in touch with a greater need for Christ. If the fast has accomplished anything, it has been becoming aware of my hunger for the Lord, a desire for Him to penetrate into the deepest recesses of my heart and soul. There has been an awakening of a passionate love for Him that I have not known for many seasons of my life. Roger put it well yesterday when told his endorser that in the last couple months he has seen my joy return. I have stepped out of the mourning garments and put on a garment of praise.

Now, do not let this lead you to believe that the fast has been easy, by any means. It has taken a great deal of work to push through exhaustion due partly to the many responsibilities I carry within our family, and partly because I am staying up late to go to prayer at church several nights a week, and getting up hours earlier than normal to pray and seek Him, when He wakes me before the alarm goes off.
 
Over the years, rest has been a very important tool in sustaining me through the many challenges of caring for a family with so many needs. And when the Lord wakes me long before dawn to get up and seek Him, do not think for a moment that my eyes pop open without any lingering drowsiness. I have to fight off lethargy, shake out of the bleariness of soul and body. I do not want to get up. It is cold, and the blankets are warm. I am tired and the bed is soft. Yet, I have sensed that it is very important be obedient so that I can be drawn deeper into Him. So I get up and propel myself into my prayer closet (which is more of a bathroom.) On the floor, kneeling before the space heater, draped in a Snuggie, the Lord and I meet.
 
I am finding that faithfulness is a choice. It does not happen by chance. I have been stretched; this choosing has not "come naturally". It has taken a great deal of effort to concentrate on keeping the commitment, especially when I have little energy left. Sometimes I have to grit my teeth and push myself to step into Him. I am finding that as I shake off the slumber, even when I am dead tired, my soul is alive in Him. I am learning to make a conscious effort step away from the things that He is calling me out of, and instead make the choice to advance into Him. To go deeper still.

 

New Beginnings

The past few weeks I have been getting holiday greetings via e-mail, snail-mail, text messages, Facebook, and Twitter. I am still opening letters and cards sent by friends from my college days and am being newly "friended" by people I haven't seen in years. I even got to reconnect with one of my good friends from my  High School youth group just a week ago, over Mexican food and birthday cake!

On the heels of Christmas cards bearing "Tidings of Comfort and Joy"  came New Years cards wishing me many blessings in the year to come. It is officially 2010. I am wondering, how are you entering the new year? Are you dragging in, yawning, and  wishing you were still in your PJ's? Are you charging ahead full speed, ready to conquer your corner of the world? Are you taking it slow, wrapped in a blanket, sipping coffee (or tea) by a crackling fire?

Last night over bedtime snack, my family discussed New Year's Resolutions. Tyler's resolution was to play the Wii more and have more family time. Blaine resolved to pet Mocha Kitty more. The boys agreed that our furry companion would certainly resolve to eat more vanilla ice cream.  My husband then joked that his resolution was "To get more beef jerky"-- i.e. to tickle the boys more. This left them screaming with delight. And as my husband chased our boys around the room, I began to ponder my own resolutions. Some of which have to do with returning to healthier over-all food choices for myself and our family, after a bit of a slide, which was a natural result of the holiday busyness. It was not so much an issue of gorging on yummy treats as much as it was a lessening of our intake of food with actual nutritional value.  So this week I am planning some healthier meals with more fresh fruits and veggies. And I will personally be eating a lot of oatmeal. (Old fashioned oats, rather than instant!) A little extra time, and a little extra planning can equal a lot more nourishment.

Another resolution is to get the house organized. I am a bit of a neat freak and I like everything to have a place, even if it's not there at the moment. The holiday comings and goings has left me in dire need to re-organize. You might get a kick out of knowing that our Christmas tree is among that list  of items that are NOT in their designated places. Most of my many, many  christmas decorations have been  packed into their boxes, but the tree remains, with daily delights for our playful kitty to enjoy. I'd love to get the last of the festive decorations put up, as my husband thinks I overdecorate at Christmas, and I know we could use the extra space the tree is filling. Yet I have decided not to stress over this particular goal. All in good time. Ask me in February if the tree is still up. Maybe I will decorate it with hearts!

This shift in thinking is because the Lord is drawing me to a place of greater balance. To a place of positive thinking, and doing away with old habits. The new year is a great time to start. To set goals, step by step, and learn to lean on the Lord to accomplish them.

Our church is participating in a month long time of commitment and seeking the Lord's plans and purposes. People will meet every morning and every night for prayer, and those of us that can't be there at one or both sessions are encouraged to pray at home. Many are fasting... and I must point out that a fast can involve so much more than simply abstaining from food in order to focus on prayer. The first time I participated in a fast, it was during our "year of devastation", during the season of Lent. The Lord led me to give up my greatest temptation: chocolate.  Mainly because I was being tempted to rely on the taste of cocoa to manage some of the stress, rather than on the heart of the Lord to see me through the difficult places.

Today the fast the Lord is calling me to does not involve giving up all food. (Although the intake of some less than nutritious items will be cut back.) I will be fasting from TV and forms of news media. Now, I do consider myself rather out of touch with most of the shows my peers follow. And for the most part, I do try to be careful what I let in to my mind, as far as media goes. I tend to avoid watching the news because it depresses me. But after a long day of diabetes and celiac care, special diets, dispensing meds, assisting with homework, engaging in sensory therapy, and generally overseeing the care of two very active boys, each with "special issues", I tend to want to collapse for a little while, pop in an I Love Lucy re-run, or unwind with a "cleaner than most" movie. This is not a bad thing, sometimes, and part of my journey with the Lord has been to learn that self care and time to relax is something that every caregiver needs.  But when I begin to lean on anything other than the Lord on a consistent basis, I am risking compromising my relationship with Him, and I am most certainly missing out on the blessing that comes when my sustenance is in Him and Him alone.

This first month in a new year represents to me a time to focus on nourishing the heart, the soul and the body. To make sure that my intake physically, emotionally, and spiritually, is "fuel" rather than filler or fluff. Part of this new perspective is a fast from habits that keep me from being filled by the Lord alone.  Part of this new beginning is adding in that which nourishes the soul and body. Beginning with my mind, for how we think directs who we are. As my aunt recently said, "Trash in, trash out." I want to be aware of what messages I am letting in, and especially, how this affects what I believe, and what messages I repeatedly tell myself. The eye is the window to the soul, but the mind is the motivator of the spirit.

My Healer is calling me to greater accountability with scripture memory and prayer time. The old habits, and the old tapes that play in my mind must be replaced with truth from His word if there is to be any real change, any true spiritual growth. I have come to a place in my journey with Him where I spend a great deal of my day talking with Him, seeking Him out. Yes, most days there is an amount of time set aside for Bible study, and prayer is a key part of my response to how He speaks to my heart through His word. But intercessory prayer has been lacking of late. And so has NEW scripture memory. I drew much comfort from scripture on that journey through the fire that would have consumed our family, had it not been for the One who Sustains. Yet, after such a difficult trek, where faith and love were choices I fought to make daily, I grew tired, and the Lord, in His deep love for me, allowed a time of rest as He knit our family back together. But there comes a time when we must stand up and step in to a new beginning.  It is time to dig deep. To grow. To discover new treasures in scripture, new messages from the Lord. A time to clear away the cobwebs and claim the promised place of restoration and healing.

Isaiah 43:10 and 11 is key in my new beginning:

You are my witnesses, declares the Lord, and my servant whom I have chosen,That you may know and believe me, And understand that I am He. Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me. I, even I, am the Lord, and apart from me there is no Savior.

Every journey towards lasting change must begin by knowing Him and believing Him. We will not get far apart from Him! I encourage you to join me on the journey towards restoration of spirit, soul, mind, and body. As you ponder your own New Year resolutions, ask the Lord what work He has resolved to cultivate in you. I encourage you to surrender to Him the places He plans to bring wholeness to, and submit to Him the needs He longs to fill in you.  

Growing by Design

To walk in the fullness of His plans and purposes for you this year may require some sorting and sifting. What areas would you like to see changed? What areas would the Lord like to see changed? (Ask Him!) Most of us want to live healthier, fuller lives, and yet, it is so easy to get sidetracked when we are tired, stressed, or over-committed. Our best intentions slide and we can easily end up right back where we started, with not much left but a defeated spirit. Now is the time to set aside perfectionism and spur ourselves to step up and claim what the Lord has in store for us. This may mean a lessening of activity in some places, and an adding of prayer in others. I encourage you to take the fresh start He offers and let Him draw you deeper into relationship with Him. It will be a process, with ups and downs along way, but if you hold fast to Him,  you can be sure that you will be blessed as you seek out a new beginning in Him.  

Hosea 6:3

Let us press on to acknowledge the Lord. He will come to us like the spring rain!

Prayer by Design

Father God, show me what is keeping me from walking in your plan, and your purposes for me. Give me your strength to remove the things that distract me from focusing on you. Teach me how to truly know you, how to be nourished by You. Teach me how to rely on you in the moment, especially when I am feeling overwhelmed. Give me wisdom to believe you and hold fast to your promises, especially when life looks differently than what I want. I ask you to give me a deeper understanding of You and your heart for me. Teach me to trust you, and follow you with all of my heart, all of my soul, and all of my strength, and especially, all of my mind. Be not just my Savior, but my Lord. I surrender fully to You, and I thank you because you have already equipped me for the journey. I choose You, Lord. I choose You.

 

No Fear - Part 2

Last night I abruptly woke up in serious pain. I wasn't suddenly ill with the swine flu or some other dreaded sickness. I simply had moved to turn over in the night and my tender muscles didn't appreciate being disturbed. Pain is disturbing to me. Taken two years ago at Enchanted Rock, this picture is a humorous example of where I have been these last few weeks. In spirit at least.  I have been avoiding the climb to avoid the pain. As you can tell, I wasn't feeling very enchanted during the trek up 425 feet. A month or so ago, I announced my grand plan to face my fears by baring my blemished face and going to the gym. Not too long after publishing my intentions, I realized I had a mountain of insecurity to tackle.

If you recall, I'd planned on joining a water aerobics class. Luckily, my facialist warned me to avoid chlorine as it would only serve to agitate my skin further. I thought I had won a get out of jail free pass. But no, she recommended exercise to expel my blemishes along with eating better and taking mounds of vitamins. And so, after weeks of creative avoidance, off to the gym I went.

There are some people that are naturally athletic. My husband is one of them. He can do anything related to sports and on the Enchanted Rock, he was indeed enchanting as he seemed to glide up its pink granite slope. In a sad comparison, day after day, I have sat on my couch saying, "Tomorrow I am going to the gym." While I'm sure it helped to visualize myself at the gym, it took a couple of my girlfriends, Cheri and Terri, to actually get me there. Once again I am learning that surrounding myself with like-minded human beings really does help me to be who I want to be. Even with the accountability of friendship, it's still been an exercise to get myself to exercise. For the last couple days, I hit snooze and woke up late only to waste another ten minutes debating whether or not I would bail on my friends. I am proud to say that I did indeed roll out of bed and faced my day with No Fear!

Ironically, I am nearing the end of reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. It's a great read and has challenged my perceptions of what beauty is. It's politically and morally appropriate to say "Beauty is more than skin deep." Yet, as women when we look in the mirror and are confronted with blemishes, cellulite and all, we all sigh and frown just a bit. On my journey towards healing, I've learned that it really does take and inside out approach to be whole. For years and years, I received compliments on my beautiful makeup and my complexion all the while knowing that my beauty was at best surface level.

I have also learned to appreciate the struggles of others. After all, we each have challenges to overcome such as being overweight, acne prone, pigeon toed, too short or too tall. What about our fellow sisters that are illiterate or bound by poverty? The list goes on and on. I must confess, my husband has patient ears. I griped and complained the entire way up a few mountains. At Enchanted Rock, I was gently rebuked by my environment. If you look closely, you can see a woman in braces on her descent. I have other pictures in which she was smiling and chatting her entire journey. And there I was, able bodied with full use of all of my limbs sitting on my backside.

I am happy to say that I am sore today and that it was difficult to be so vulnerable. Honestly, I look like I have chicken pox. To make matters worse, I am learning in my college studies that our ancestors believed that blemishes were a sign of unhealthiness. According to my facialist, it's true. Did you know that in the Old Testament, people could not serve God if they had pimples? Yes, indeed my insecurities become like mountains in my mind.

Ironically, as we left the gym, my friend Terri remarked on the fleeting of time. Just a few years ago, she participated in a few inner healing sessions of mine. I was a much different person then. I didn't believe in myself at all. So much so that I couldn't see myself having children. I had just begun to acknowledge the mountains of doubt in my mind. Four years later Terri and I are now both fans of inner healing and outer healing. Our capacity for change is remarkable. And I am now looking forward to being a mommy and I am changing my lifestyle to be the best mommy I can be. So, are you sitting on the couch? How about making some changes? Start seeing yourself differently and find a couple friends you can be vulnerable with. Move through the pain with No Fear and I promise you will experience a life that takes your breath away!

No Fear!

Having lived in Hawaii for nearly a decade, I've often been asked if I ever surfed. Now anyone that knows me will laugh at that question. Hand-eye coordination I am not blessed with. I do admire the breed of men and women called surfers.  No Fear is a brand popular among the surfing community. Indeed it must take a man or woman with no fear to enter shark infested waters. Sure it looks easy, gliding above the water without a care in the world. The truth is, big waves carry bone crushing power and many have died for the love of their most favorite position in the world. Nevertheless, surfers live to lead their lives in the water. In a sense, surfers possess a form of leadership. Come rain or shine, whether with friends or alone, surfers charge into the unknown as leaders often must. As anything in this life, surfing is a position that a person takes.

We all position ourselves according to our desires. Sometimes the positions we take are an effort to run away from our desires. Hence, we all know wonderfully talented artists, teachers and entrepreneurs parked on the couch. One of my favorite positions is worship. There are actually many forms of praise and worship. Sadly, most believers think worshiping is singing. In ancient days, a person would sit on his or her knees, bowing so low that their forehead would touch the ground. This was a form of worship in which one's heart was physically positioned above the head. A lot could be said about that position. Positions are also postures of our mind: what we believe, our convictions and values. There are a plethora of positions to take, some beautiful as an act of worship and others degrading as an act of self-hate. The positions we take say a lot about who we are, or have become and who we may be someday.

Surfers, like many sports enthusiasts, gym members and such are familiar with the "rush" that accompanies physical activities. I must admit, I've owned a gym membership for over a year and haven't placed on foot inside the facilities. Just the thought of sweating and hurting leads me to a couch. Now, I know a few of you contend it feels great but my negative and perhaps faulty perceptions have kept me away from a position I know will benefit me. I haven't allowed my desire to be healthy to replace other desires to be comfortable. If you want the real truth: I don't go to the gym because I don't want others to see the real me. The me that hides under layers of clothes. More importantly, as I've mentioned before, I struggle with blemishes and I know I can't hide from the world as sweat pours down my face.

 Ironically, the very positions that I know will help to clear up my face, namely exercise and eating right, are the very things I am avoiding. How crazy is that? Worse, over my lifetime I have spent hours in "prayer" begging God to change things for me all the while ignoring the power he's given me to change things myself. How silly we are! I greatly admired my husband when, without a moments hesitation, he accepted an invitation to learn how to surf. My friend, Eric Ahu helped Shayne gear up and took him out into Pohoiki Bay, a place where only locals surf. The shallow bay, lined with a jagged lava bed, is no playground for amateurs. Shayne tried and tried again until he experienced the rush of riding his first wave. Needless to say, he was bitten by the bug and I'm sure if we had more time he'd still be there. He knew what he wanted and he went after it. No fear could hold him back from his heart's desire.

This week I am going to a water aerobics class at the gym. Saying that, I know I'll need to check back in next week and I invite you to hold me accountable. Although I have a few pounds to shed, my heart's true desire is to live a vulnerable life no matter what. Why is it that in the safety of a church service I can worship my heart out but come Monday be so afraid to go to the gym? I have been living with much fear. It really just takes plunging into the fear to be free of it. There was a day that I could barely lift a hand in worship for fear of what others thought of me. After several services bound by my fear, the thought occurred to me to march myself up to the front row. If I was going to ever get over my fear I knew I had to face it head on. In doing so, I took a position that has dramatically changed my life forever as a woman of worship.

Many of us have much stress instead of no fear. Many times we blame our enemies, the economy or our situations for our stress. The truth is we are often to blame. When a person is under duress, either from a tragedy or a common fight with a friend or spouse, their body releases cortisol, a hormone designed to aid the body in producing the necessaryenergy to take action. The problem is, most of us never take action. We react, imploding or exploding emotionally without taking a responsive physical position. We worry. We fret. We get upset. We blame. We look away and all the while the cortisol builds in our system without any relief in sight. We are hiding from the very rush we desire.

Today I witnessed a roomful of ladies by design, courageously paddling out into the deep waters of trust. We never left Texas, but we certainly rode some waves and conquered a few fears in the process. As I look forward to positioning myself on Tuesday, bathing suit and all, in a  water aerobics class, I will be thinking about you. Where do you need to position yourself? Perhaps, as my dear friend Tricia is learning, a measure of healthy silence is the position. Like my friend Hannah, you may need to boldly approach and position yourself in the arms of the One who created you. Maybe you would do well to position yourself amongst a group of men or women that truly care about the restoration of your heart. Be sure that the position you take leads you to still waters, unless your seeking the joyful rush of riding a wave of course! Dive in this week and be free to live as the leader you are as ladies by design with no fear!