Love denied? I'm sure you are wondering where I'm going with this. You know the old saying "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Is love a verb or a noun? There is a song that says "Love Is A Verb", what do you think?
February is the month when we all think of LOVE!! A cupid with his bow pulled ready to plunge the arrow into a heart ready for love. Our mind is also captured by hearts filled with chocolate, a fluffy stuffed bear with a heart hung around it's neck with a romantic saying, i.e Be Mine, Love Forever, To My Special Valentine. We think of long stemmed roses, dinner by candlelight, a walk under a full moon, a picnic under the stars, well, you get the picture don't you?
I have lived through many Februaries but it seems that I have been denied that special love that totally captured my heart. Now this is not to say I have never been loved and in turn loved someone else. When love goes awry and the heart is broken beyond repair, at least from that experience, you wonder will love ever find me and totally encapsulate me?
I started my journey of love many years ago at the age of 21 in Houston, Texas. This journey took me to California where I was always looking for the real me! I didn't have a clue who I was. Looking back now, I know I was just a young country girl with no skills and no knowledge of how to tackle the hurdles that life presented. I was totally unprepared for life much less LOVE. All I knew about love was what I had read in a romance novel and how realistic is that? In a novel, the end of the story usually turns out the way we hope for and the two characters move through life blissfully happy' Well, it didn't take very long to realize life was not a romance novel. Life was REAL, whatever that meant.
I am reminded as I am writing this, of the tall inflated figures that are weighted down on the bottom. I have seen them about three feet tall in the form of a snowman or clown and when one hits them, they will go all the way to the ground but immediately bounce back to an upright position. Many times over my life, I have been knocked down to a prone position, not literally, but in spirit and emotion. I always bounced back but after many times the strength and will to stand tall was in question. Could I really become? Did I really deserve? Who was I? What did life have for me? What was my purpose? What was my destiny? I didn't have a clue. I was never taught to explore the thought much less the options of purpose/destiny.
After many years and chapters of the manuscript of my life (who knows maybe some day there will be a written one), where was love? I have sought it in many ways and it always seems to be just a little bit out of my reach. Will I ever find unconditional love? I know I deserve it because my heart and head tells me I do. Where are you LOVE? I'm chasing you. Will I be able to overtake you and be wrapped in your arms? That is what every fiber of my being wants, why can't I find you? Am I looking in the wrong places? Are you playing hide and seek? I don't want games anymore, I have played games all my life. I'm tired of games. Again, where are you?
Am I looking in the right place to find you. I thought if I pursued the companionship of a man I would find total fulfillment. I would finally find love. My first experience with love didn't bring me happiness, only disappointment and hurt. Could I trust a man in my life again? Let's take a chance and see if it works this time.
Love, I finally found you. The cupid has finally pulled the bow and the arrow has buried itself deep into my heart. I am totally loved and I am giving my love at the same time. How wonderful love feels!! I am walking alongside true unconditional love. But, Oh, my God, what is that, the arrow of love is being pulled from my heart. Ouch, that hurts, where did that come from? Am I again denied love? I didn't see that one coming or have I refused to see it because I want it so badly? Isn't love supposed to be a lasting thing? Love endures all things, love never fails. That is what your word says! Therein lies my answer, I have found true love. Your love endures all and never fails. God you are MY LOVE!!
Sunday in church as I was intensely worshiping, I was reminded of when I was a little girl living in the hot muggy town of Bay City, Texas during a warm rainstorm. I used to run and play and I remember being totally drenched in the gentle rain falling from above. I remember on one occasion while walking to catch the bus, I was caught in the rain. I was wearing a new dress that had been given to me and I still remember the color and the way it was made. It was blue and had many ruffles going around the skirt. As I was caught in the rain the dress became very heavy but it was too late to return home and change before catching the school bus. I had to wear the dress to school and wait for it to dry during the day. Sunday as I was soaked in the gentle rain of His presence I felt just the opposite effect as I had felt with the rain-soaked dress. His presence took the heaviness away and I felt the warmth of His embracing love. GOD I ASK YOU TO CONTINUE TO POUR YOUR LOVE ON ME AND LET THAT LOVE FLOW TO MY WORLD WHEREVER THAT MAY BE!! AS LONG AS I LOOK IN THE RIGHT PLACE, I WILL NEVER BE DENIED LOVE AGAIN!!!