Ladies By Design

Love Denied

Love denied?  I'm sure you are wondering where I'm going with this.  You know the old saying "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."  Is love a verb or a noun?   There is a song that says "Love Is A Verb", what do you think? 

February is the month when we all think of LOVE!!  A cupid with his bow pulled ready to plunge the arrow into a heart ready for love.  Our mind is also captured by hearts filled with chocolate, a fluffy stuffed bear with a heart hung around it's neck with a romantic saying, i.e Be Mine, Love Forever, To My Special Valentine.  We think of long stemmed roses, dinner by candlelight, a walk under a full moon, a picnic under the stars, well, you get the picture don't you? 

I have lived through many Februaries but it seems that I have been denied that special love that totally captured my heart.   Now this is not to say I have never been loved and in turn loved someone else.  When love goes awry and the heart is broken beyond repair, at least from that experience, you wonder will love ever find me and totally encapsulate me? 

I started my journey of love many years ago at the age of 21 in Houston, Texas.  This journey took me to California where I was always looking for the real me!  I didn't have a clue who I was.  Looking back now, I know I was just a young country girl with no skills and no knowledge of how to tackle the hurdles that life presented.  I was totally unprepared for life much less LOVE.  All I knew about love was what I had read in a romance novel and how realistic is that?  In a novel, the end of the story usually turns out the way we hope for and the two characters move through life blissfully happy'  Well, it didn't take very long to realize life was not a romance novel.  Life was REAL, whatever that meant.  

I am reminded as I am writing this, of the tall inflated figures that are weighted down on the bottom.  I have seen them about three feet tall in the form of a snowman or clown and when one hits them, they will go all the way to the ground but immediately bounce back to an upright position.  Many times over my life, I have been knocked down to a prone position, not literally, but in spirit and emotion.  I always bounced back but after many times the strength and will to stand tall was in question.  Could I really become?  Did I really deserve?  Who was I?  What did life have for me?  What was my purpose?  What was my destiny?  I didn't have a clue.  I was never taught to explore the thought much less the options of purpose/destiny. 

After many years and chapters of the manuscript of my life (who knows maybe some day there will be a written one), where was love?  I have sought it in many ways and it always seems to be just a little bit out of my reach.  Will I ever find unconditional love?  I know I deserve it because my heart and head tells me I do.  Where are you LOVE?  I'm chasing you.  Will I be able to overtake you and be wrapped in your arms?  That is what every fiber of my being wants, why can't I find you?  Am I looking in the wrong places?  Are you playing hide and seek?  I don't want games anymore, I have played games all my life.  I'm tired of games.  Again, where are you?  

Am I looking in the right place to find you.  I thought if I pursued the companionship of a man I would find total fulfillment.  I would finally find love.  My first experience with love didn't bring me happiness, only disappointment and hurt.  Could I trust a man in my life again?  Let's take a chance and see if it works this time.

Love, I finally found you.  The cupid has finally pulled the bow and the arrow has buried itself deep into my heart.  I am totally loved and I am giving my love at the same time.  How wonderful love feels!!  I am walking alongside true unconditional love.  But, Oh, my God, what is that, the arrow of love is being pulled from my heart.  Ouch, that hurts, where did that come from?  Am I again denied love?  I didn't see that one coming or have I refused to see it because I want it so badly?  Isn't love supposed to be a lasting thing?  Love endures all things, love never fails.  That is what your word says!  Therein lies my answer, I have found true love.  Your love endures all and never fails.  God you are MY LOVE!!

Sunday in church as I was intensely worshiping, I was reminded of when I was a little girl living in the hot muggy town of Bay City, Texas during a warm rainstorm. I used to run and play and I remember being totally drenched in the  gentle rain falling from above.  I remember on one occasion while walking to catch the bus, I was caught in the rain.  I was wearing a new dress that had been given to me and I still remember the color and the way it was made.  It was blue and had many ruffles going around the skirt.  As I was caught in the rain the dress became very heavy but it was too late to return home and change before catching the school bus.  I had to wear the dress to school and wait for it to dry during the day.    Sunday as I was soaked in the gentle rain of His presence I felt just the opposite effect as I had felt with the rain-soaked dress.  His presence took the heaviness away and I felt the warmth of His embracing love.  GOD I ASK YOU TO CONTINUE TO POUR YOUR LOVE ON ME AND LET THAT LOVE FLOW TO MY WORLD WHEREVER THAT MAY BE!!  AS LONG AS I LOOK IN THE RIGHT PLACE, I WILL NEVER BE DENIED LOVE AGAIN!!!

1,092 Days Ago

Once upon a time, specifically 1,092 days ago, I was married to an utterly fantastic man named Shayne Edward Howe. Three years ago today, we stood under a grove of cedar trees alongside a body of water reciting our wedding prayer. We chose September 23, 2006 before knowing we were to be wed on Rosh Hashanah. Wait, can you here that? I am sure I just heard my friend Tricia take in a deep breath of awe. In fact, Rosh Hashanah is the first of the Jewish High Holidays,Yamin Noraim, the "Days of Awe." How fitting, because yet again I find myself in awe on this day.

What I am not in awe of is a fancy trip or gorging out on a fabulous dinner to celebrate this special day. Believe me, we've been there and done that. Don't get me wrong. Those times are great and necessary and worth the investment. That is, if you have the funds to invest. Following our honeymoon, we celebrated our next two anniversaries by going on brief although lavish getaways. After all, that's what we were supposed to do, right? Looking back, I am not too sure. Shayne has always been uncomfortable with the idea of debt. We Americans have no issue with spending as though we are millionaires. Forgive the soapbox, but we have become a nation of pretenders. As a newlywed, my greatest mistake was relying on every solicited and unsolicited opinion presented to me. That is every opinion other than my husbands. While he wanted to eliminate debt, I was being told we needed to splurge on getaways. Don't get me wrong, I wanted the getaways. I accept full responsibility to listening to the opinions that supported my arguments. Nevertheless, I am entering a maturer season in my life as I realize that the most important way to celebrate our wedded life is by cherishing my husband more than anything save God Himself. More than anyone's opinion of what we should or shouldn't do. More than a night at a posh bed and breakfast, I desire to honor and respect my husband, more than anything.

Two hundred and forty-eight days into our marriage I wasn't so sure about that. So unsure, I counted the days. That's a picture of a pretty unhappy bride. I don't need to crack open that journal to remember that dark night. I was, for the first time, honest about the motives of my heart. How do we fall in love only to fall right back out of it? On that dark night, I wasn't focusing on our wedding day. I wasn't remembering how I lacked poise as I nearly ran down the aisle with my father in tow. I only had eyes for Shayne. On that dark night, the worries, fears and suspicions from solicited and unsolicited opinions began to seep into the cracks of our foundation. Interestingly, according to Jewish literature Rosh Hashanah is also known as "the day of remembrance." Remembering is a word that I have come to be dearly fond of. What we remember is oftentimes a choice we make.

We did and still do have many issues to tackle. I can't say that we were ready for the weight of marriage at that specific time. However, I can't say that we weren't supposed to get married on September 23, 2006. It is a mystery as every good story contains. It is safe to say, we might have been better prepared on that day. Two halves don't make a whole to be sure. Although, there is much to be said for walking alongside one another though past, present and future troubles and sorrows. Our pastor aptly summed us up during the ceremony: "It's going to be an awesome ride. If I know anything about you two, it's going to be a ride. A fast ride, a quick ride, sometimes an up and down ride, but a great, great ride."

Late last night, I crawled under the covers of Shayne's side of the bed. Close to the midnight hour, in the slightest of whispers, words of repentance spontaneously emerged from my heart. Oh my husband, I am so sorry for not listening to you above all others. Forgive me for not respecting your insight. Forgive me of my impatience. Forgive me for not trusting you. Trust, as we all know, is one of the foundational ingredients of all relationships. Why do we withhold trust when we desire it so?

According to tradition, Rosh Hashanah also commemorates the beginning of creation. Rosh Hashanah does not fall on September 23rd this year. However, I will always celebrate this day as the one when I began anew. The relationship between a husband and a wife is symbolic of the relationship between Jesus and His bride, the church. I have to say, though our ups and downs, I have come to personally appreciate terms like "repentance" and "forgiveness" that are sermonized about on Sundays. I share this anniversary story in hopes that you too will realize the effect a repentant heart has. My husband did not turn away from me in disgust of my offenses. Neither does Jesus turn away from His bride. In fact, my husband's desire was intensified by my honest heart. There are some of you that merely hear the word "church" only to feel grief or contempt. She has tarnished her reputation seemingly beyond repair. Yet, I know she was and is redeemable, as I have been. She can be renewed. Perhaps you are a member of the church. I challenge you to invest in a "day of remembrance." Are you full of passion for the One who loves you most? Are you resting in His grace or are you too busy doing what everyone says you need to do? Perhaps you are a married woman. I dare you to reflect on the "Days of Awe" in which you were passionately infatuated with the wonder of your man. Perhaps you have never experienced a relationship with the One who was first in love with you. Can you imagine that? I invite you to let Him carry you in His arms. I promise He will never let you fall. Never. And incidentally, with Him, you will enjoy a "happily ever after" but it will never be "the end."